The lesson is learnt

I am a firm believer that everything and everyone you meet in life has a lesson to teach you. Therefore, with regards to him, I always wondered what the purpose of meeting him was? What were the lessons I was suppose to learn? For the past two years, I have been constantly asking myself this questions. But I could never seem to get an answer. No inkling, no hint of what 'Oh-great-lesson' that needed two years of my life to learn.

Yesterday, I finally had a revelation.

Maybe this two-year experience was meant to mature me.

Depression, anxiety and PTSD was something that I had vaguely heard of, but never had any intention to voluntarily understand. Sure, I empathize with people who go through this sort of mental illness but I never thought much of it. When I met him, it was the first time I had any sort of interactions with someone dealing with depression and PTSD.

Obviously, I was ill-equipped. How do you comfort someone with depression? How do you talk to someone with PTSD? When do you know if their depression is going to act up or is acting up? For that matter, do you even call it "acting up"?

The first time he had an episode, we didn't talk for 2 months. When we got around to talking, he vaguely told me what happened and then we sort of swept everything under the rug and continued as per normal. Having no experience dealing with depression, I didnt know what to ask as well. What questions were considered okay, while others were considered too much? Do I ask sensitive questions and risk a relapse? Everything I wanted to ask or wanted to say, I had to think twice. Many times, they were left unasked, unsaid.

Since then, we have gone through a couple of episodes, which i learnt, some people called it 'Disassociation'. Through it all, I became very understanding. Like all girls, i have my insecurities when it comes to relationships. Often times our female brains are just hard wired to overthink every single piece of information. "If he says this does he actually mean that?" "What does it mean when he does this or says that?"

The old me would have questioned him. The old me would have voiced out all of my insecurities. But through him, i really learnt that, these mindless overthinking are so, so trivial. So of un-importance. When faced with bigger issues like depression and PTSD and suicides, really, a lot of things that you once felt was important, pales in comparison. A lot of childish overthinking sheds away, and from there, you really am able to see your relationship at its most raw state.

When you love someone, you really want what's best for them. Through periods of really tough times, I often think to myself, if he can find someone that is able to be there for him, and loves him, I really do not mind. I give him my fullest blessings. I felt that our biggest obstacle is not the mental illness, but the distance. In my hearts of heart I believe I could be good for him if only I am able to be there for him physically. That was something I felt was my biggest "shortcoming". A lot of times, people dealing with depression don't need you to understand depression, they just need you to be there for them, even if it's to sit quietly beside them. That was something I couldn't do so if anyone was able to do it, I gladly give them my blessing. Because I want the best for him. Because when you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if its not with you.

It's funny, when I was younger, I often asked my friends who were happily in love how they knew their partners were "The One". Some gave really realistic answers, most say they did not know either.

Now through him, I found my own answer.

Love is when you know the future with them would be uncertain and scary as fuck, but you do it anyway because as long as you are doing it together, then everything would be okay.

With him, I am okay to leave behind everything I know just to be with him. People move countries all the time right?If they can do it, so could I. The idea of leaving my life behind, starting anew in another country, and working in a new environment scares the shit out of me but if that's the only way we could be together then I accepted that it was what I was going to have to do. And I'm okay with it. Scared, but I'm okay.

Through him, I understood more about mental illness. And that a lot of times, we cannot use our perception to try and rationalize with them because truly, it is like nothing we have ever known. From him, I gained a lot of empathy towards people with mental illness. And a true respect for people and their love ones dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD.

Anyways, back to my revelation, I guess the lesson that I needed to learn was to be mature, to be understanding, to be patient, and to see the bigger picture. And this lesson was something that needed two years to learn. I believe I wouldn't have understood it if it had only happened briefly. It was something that needed time to solidify into my being.



Though now that I have understood the lesson, does that mean the lesson is over?

Lost Friendships

Why do friendships fall apart? Remember how you used to be so close with that one friend back in school? How you guys have to be together from morning assembly, to recess, to staying back after school just to be able to hang around together. Remember that subconscious, explicit need to find your way to each other no matter what you were doing, at any part of the day?

And then what happened? Why did the relationship fade? How did an inseparable connection became nothing more than just a side-way glance when you walk past each other on the streets?

Friends come and go all the time. The best reason I can give is that certain friends just belong to certain stages of your life. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason; most have a valuable lesson to teach. And when the lesson is taught, the bell rings, and the teacher is gone.

Every once in a while memories hit us and we would reminisce, vaguely pondering how life is treating them. To my friends life let drift away from me, please know that although we are no longer friends, just mere acquaintances from a distant past, you are in my thoughts and I wish you all the best life can offer.

Maybe one day when a lesson needs to be taught again, perhaps the very same lesson that life assigned you to teach me so many years ago, I hope that fate let us cross path and you can resume your lesson.

Bell rings, start of a new class.

Happy Lunar New Year! 😄😄

Chinese new year is a big thing for chinese! A celebration which includes loads of good food, CNY goodies and, of course, ANG PAO! (money in red packets!)

Thankfully I have a small extended family so I needn't rush all over Singapore for house visiting. Phew. But that also mean less ang paos.

Without further ado, let the pictures do the talking!

Chinese New Year Eve Reunion Dinner!

Chinese New Year Day 1!

Visting my auntie's house but we all know the main attraction was their dog, KIKI! AWWW

Okay and the star of my house is, duh, moi! 

HAPPY CNY ERRBODY!!!!! HUAT AH!!

Woes of the lost

I'm stuck. In a dilemma. Pressured to make a decision before I'm ready.

I sometimes dread going out with my friends because i know what they are going to ask.

"How are you?"

"What's going on?"

"Have you spoken to him?"

I don't really wanna talk about it. Out of embarassement or what, i have no idea. Maybe because these are the questions i ask myself everyday. Maybe that's why I don't need the extra pressure on top of everything I'm giving myself. Maybe because I don't have a bloody answer to those questions so asking me just reinforces the fact that i am silly for even starting this in the first place.

I think when faced with these questions, it is forcing me to make a decision before I'm ready and I know that that's not right. I think, a lot of times, people just want a yes no answer, but nothing is that easy. Is life ever easy? No. So its okay to ponder a moment longer, to stay in a state of limbo for awhile. You should only venture out and make a decision when you are 100% comfortable. My friend asked me how long do I give myself to forget him and while its good to have a timeline, don't feel restricted by it either. Don't be compelled to put your foot down. You are entitled to feel lost and confused and have no sense of direction whatsoever. Just make it a point to be conscious about which state you are in. Never delude yourself into thinking you are okay when you are not. And don't wallow just because it got comfortable.

You can take as much time as you want. A month or a year. It's yours to waste, so if you deemed it worthwhile, waste it away. Don't be force to make a decision because you can't make up your mind.

I can't make up my mind whether to wait for him, or to forget him, to be angry, or to be resentful, to be at peace with what life threw my way, or be disappointed that it didnt turn out the way I want it to. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and everything and everyone has a lesson to teach you. Right now, i am struggling to see what the lessons were. What lesson was so significant that i had to take almost 2 years to learn them? It frightens me that i have yet to figure any clue whatsoever about what i was suppose to learn.

So I decided that i am going to take my time. To explore my feelings. To make sure I'm not hasten into making a decision just because society dictates. It's funny how you can be heartbroken by an almost relationship. Sometimes I don't even know how to explain to people my relationship status. Was i even in a relationship? Do you even call that a relationship, if anything? Who the actual fuck gets heartbroken about a guy online that she's never met?

But although I am hesitaten to tell people about this almost relationship, somewhat embarrassed that I, of all people, could have gotten into an online long-distance relationship, what I had and what I felt was real. As virtual as it was, to me, it was real. Sometimes, you don't have to see love in real life to know what it is. Love should be felt. It doesn't matter if the other party didn't neccessarily feel the same way. The main point was that you felt it. Not everyone can love. So if you did, then I think the end result is already secondary.

Write your story, the way it's meant to be

What do you call that stage where you are in between trying to hold on and wanting to give up?

When you want to follow your heart but the realist in you says otherwise?

When love just wasn't enough. When life happens. When the timing wasn't right.

Girl, if you have been through this, or is going through it right now, holla at your girl cause she is in need of some girl to girl, heart to heart talk session.

I hope in this new year, we can all be a little braver, a little more sure of the things we want. If you want to follow your heart, then do it! If you think it's time to move on, move. Life is short, do whatever the fuck you want to do. If it's rightfully yours, nothing will stop it from coming back.

I hope at the end of the day, you will love yourself above all else. Cut off the negatives, cut off the naysayers! It's your story, not theirs. They ain't the scriptwriters of your life. They ain't the directors of your movie.

Write your story the way you want to, the way it's meant to be.

It's The Ship 2016

IT'S THE SHIP WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! ARE YOU READY TO BE AMAZED?

 

Shout out to my friend who hooked me up with tickets to It's The Ship! I've always wanted to go ever since it debuted 3 years ago but do you guys have any idea how freaking expensive the tickets are? No? Prepare yourself before you google it. 😅 Basically it's a 4D3N edm cruise, aka, 4D3N of nonstop booze and partying! 

Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat. Anybody?

Truthfully I was a tad bit hesitant to go since I don't really know a lot of people. But the squad was above and beyond friendly and amazingly crazy! It was PLUR all way round. 😊 Everyone was just there with a single goal in mind, to have fun! You could literally walk up to ANYONE, and they will simply accept you into their group! So if you are contemplating on having to go solo, have no fear, you'd fit right in! People were wearing all sorts of crazy costumes, from mankinis, to T-rex mascots, to nun outfits! Where on earth can you find that combination but on this crazy cruise?? 

Also, did I mention how sick the parties were? We start partying in the early afternoon till 7am, EVERYDAY!! You could party on the main deck (we affectionately call it deck 13) where the main stage is at, and there are pools and hot tubs scattered all around, or you could go indoors where there's another mini-stage and more hot tubs. Personally, I felt that the indoor hot tubs were cozier and, of course, crazier things were happening, if you know what i mean. 😏😏 And of course, the lineup was awesome too! When Far East Movement played their set, it was just, 😌😌. They played, "Like a G6", and immediately transported everyone back to the days. It was simply amazing. LOVED EVERY SECOND OF THEIR SET! 

I boarded the ship only knowing a handful of friends, but came back with a full heart. 😊😊 I met all sorts of crazy and amazing people and even though it was only for 3 nights, i got to make friends and have real talks with so many people! It really was an eye-opener. Everyone, from all countries, and all walks of life met and became friends and it was just like the saying goes, "Music brings everyone together". 

How fucking true is that. 

Saying goodbye was really bittersweet but we know, we just know, that come next year, everyone would be back on that ship again. 

If you are ever in need of a vacation, you know just where to go. Till the next year, It's The Ship, I'll be ready for you again.

Fated, but not Destined

I think there is a special kind of heartbreak for the kind of love that was almost meant to be. The one that was just so within grasp. The one where you know, deep down, it could have been.

Don't get me wrong, unrequited love hurts like a bitch too. But there's just something about this kind of "almost meant to be love" that hits you right in the gut. It makes you ache for something that's right there but you can't reach for it. Makes you ponder for hours straight what more you could have done or what else there's left to be done. Maybe if we did this or did that. Maybe if we try it like this or like that. It makes you go over scenarios upon scenarios of how you wished things were, of how if certain elements of the relationship were different, you just know, it would have worked. It makes you toss and turn at 4 in the morning, trying your damnedest not to give in to the intense need to bawl your eyes out, for the umpteenth time.

It's the kind of love that broke not because he didn't love you or he cheated on you. It's the kind of love that broke because life happened. Because situations in life made it unsuitable or impossible to be together. Perhaps the timing wasn't right, maybe you guys are at different stages of life, bottom line is, life forces you to be apart. And it's this special kind of heartbreak that makes it so unbearable because you can't channel anger towards that person. Or say that that person just doesn't see your worth and you are so much better off. No. You can't. Because he does see your worth! And you see his as well. You see him and he sees you but the mere knowledge of that makes it even more gut wrenching doesn't it? You love but you can't be together. He will always be the one that could have been so much more. But in reality, being in love with each other is just not enough.

So you let each other go. You try to be at peace with your decision and try to be happy for the other person. You get on with your life. You try to move on, you go on dates and make out with a bunch of different people. When you are going about with your daily life in the dat, you think, 'hey this isn't so bad, maybe I am over him!'. But god forbid you forget him because when you get in bed at night, all those memories and emotions starts hitting you like a tidal wave and you realize you haven't progress a single step. You hadn't move on the least bit and there's nothing you can do.

You wonder if you will ever feel normal again. You'd read a love novel, watch a chick flick, observe couples on the streets, and you will think of him. You'd wonder what it's like to do those things with him. To have him be the male lead in your love novel and your chick flick. To finally have your arms around each other. And as you ponder over these simple, romantic fantasies, you feel despair all over again, because alas, it's the kind of love that was just almost meant to be.

What do you guys think? Anybody can relate?