I'm stuck. In a dilemma. Pressured to make a decision before I'm ready.
I sometimes dread going out with my friends because i know what they are going to ask.
"How are you?"
"What's going on?"
"Have you spoken to him?"
I don't really wanna talk about it. Out of embarassement or what, i have no idea. Maybe because these are the questions i ask myself everyday. Maybe that's why I don't need the extra pressure on top of everything I'm giving myself. Maybe because I don't have a bloody answer to those questions so asking me just reinforces the fact that i am silly for even starting this in the first place.
I think when faced with these questions, it is forcing me to make a decision before I'm ready and I know that that's not right. I think, a lot of times, people just want a yes no answer, but nothing is that easy. Is life ever easy? No. So its okay to ponder a moment longer, to stay in a state of limbo for awhile. You should only venture out and make a decision when you are 100% comfortable. My friend asked me how long do I give myself to forget him and while its good to have a timeline, don't feel restricted by it either. Don't be compelled to put your foot down. You are entitled to feel lost and confused and have no sense of direction whatsoever. Just make it a point to be conscious about which state you are in. Never delude yourself into thinking you are okay when you are not. And don't wallow just because it got comfortable.
You can take as much time as you want. A month or a year. It's yours to waste, so if you deemed it worthwhile, waste it away. Don't be force to make a decision because you can't make up your mind.
I can't make up my mind whether to wait for him, or to forget him, to be angry, or to be resentful, to be at peace with what life threw my way, or be disappointed that it didnt turn out the way I want it to. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and everything and everyone has a lesson to teach you. Right now, i am struggling to see what the lessons were. What lesson was so significant that i had to take almost 2 years to learn them? It frightens me that i have yet to figure any clue whatsoever about what i was suppose to learn.
So I decided that i am going to take my time. To explore my feelings. To make sure I'm not hasten into making a decision just because society dictates. It's funny how you can be heartbroken by an almost relationship. Sometimes I don't even know how to explain to people my relationship status. Was i even in a relationship? Do you even call that a relationship, if anything? Who the actual fuck gets heartbroken about a guy online that she's never met?
But although I am hesitaten to tell people about this almost relationship, somewhat embarrassed that I, of all people, could have gotten into an online long-distance relationship, what I had and what I felt was real. As virtual as it was, to me, it was real. Sometimes, you don't have to see love in real life to know what it is. Love should be felt. It doesn't matter if the other party didn't neccessarily feel the same way. The main point was that you felt it. Not everyone can love. So if you did, then I think the end result is already secondary.
