Most days I can convince myself to give up.
This is not most days.
They say it takes two hands to clap. How long do I have to chase you with one palm raised before I understand that any further and I might as well slap my palm against the wall?
My mind says I should have let down my hand long long time ago.
My heart whispers, just a little while longer...
And for awhile, I indulged my heart. I listened to the smaller voice. I complied with my wishful fantasies.
Now I want to be selfish. I want to let go. Maybe what we had wasn't enough. Maybe it was, and it was just suppose to be till right this moment. Maybe it was just a journey we had to walk through together but walk out alone. Maybe its suppose to make us wiser.
This stage of limbo sure sucks. I think I'm ready for it to end. I think I'm ready to wake up.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Monday, March 13, 2017
The lesson is learnt
I am a firm believer that everything and everyone you meet in life has a lesson to teach you. Therefore, with regards to him, I always wondered what the purpose of meeting him was? What were the lessons I was suppose to learn? For the past two years, I have been constantly asking myself this questions. But I could never seem to get an answer. No inkling, no hint of what 'Oh-great-lesson' that needed two years of my life to learn.
Yesterday, I finally had a revelation.
Maybe this two-year experience was meant to mature me.
Depression, anxiety and PTSD was something that I had vaguely heard of, but never had any intention to voluntarily understand. Sure, I empathize with people who go through this sort of mental illness but I never thought much of it. When I met him, it was the first time I had any sort of interactions with someone dealing with depression and PTSD.
Obviously, I was ill-equipped. How do you comfort someone with depression? How do you talk to someone with PTSD? When do you know if their depression is going to act up or is acting up? For that matter, do you even call it "acting up"?
The first time he had an episode, we didn't talk for 2 months. When we got around to talking, he vaguely told me what happened and then we sort of swept everything under the rug and continued as per normal. Having no experience dealing with depression, I didnt know what to ask as well. What questions were considered okay, while others were considered too much? Do I ask sensitive questions and risk a relapse? Everything I wanted to ask or wanted to say, I had to think twice. Many times, they were left unasked, unsaid.
Since then, we have gone through a couple of episodes, which i learnt, some people called it 'Disassociation'. Through it all, I became very understanding. Like all girls, i have my insecurities when it comes to relationships. Often times our female brains are just hard wired to overthink every single piece of information. "If he says this does he actually mean that?" "What does it mean when he does this or says that?"
The old me would have questioned him. The old me would have voiced out all of my insecurities. But through him, i really learnt that, these mindless overthinking are so, so trivial. So of un-importance. When faced with bigger issues like depression and PTSD and suicides, really, a lot of things that you once felt was important, pales in comparison. A lot of childish overthinking sheds away, and from there, you really am able to see your relationship at its most raw state.
When you love someone, you really want what's best for them. Through periods of really tough times, I often think to myself, if he can find someone that is able to be there for him, and loves him, I really do not mind. I give him my fullest blessings. I felt that our biggest obstacle is not the mental illness, but the distance. In my hearts of heart I believe I could be good for him if only I am able to be there for him physically. That was something I felt was my biggest "shortcoming". A lot of times, people dealing with depression don't need you to understand depression, they just need you to be there for them, even if it's to sit quietly beside them. That was something I couldn't do so if anyone was able to do it, I gladly give them my blessing. Because I want the best for him. Because when you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if its not with you.
It's funny, when I was younger, I often asked my friends who were happily in love how they knew their partners were "The One". Some gave really realistic answers, most say they did not know either.
Now through him, I found my own answer.
Love is when you know the future with them would be uncertain and scary as fuck, but you do it anyway because as long as you are doing it together, then everything would be okay.
With him, I am okay to leave behind everything I know just to be with him. People move countries all the time right?If they can do it, so could I. The idea of leaving my life behind, starting anew in another country, and working in a new environment scares the shit out of me but if that's the only way we could be together then I accepted that it was what I was going to have to do. And I'm okay with it. Scared, but I'm okay.
Through him, I understood more about mental illness. And that a lot of times, we cannot use our perception to try and rationalize with them because truly, it is like nothing we have ever known. From him, I gained a lot of empathy towards people with mental illness. And a true respect for people and their love ones dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD.
Anyways, back to my revelation, I guess the lesson that I needed to learn was to be mature, to be understanding, to be patient, and to see the bigger picture. And this lesson was something that needed two years to learn. I believe I wouldn't have understood it if it had only happened briefly. It was something that needed time to solidify into my being.
Though now that I have understood the lesson, does that mean the lesson is over?
Yesterday, I finally had a revelation.
Maybe this two-year experience was meant to mature me.
Depression, anxiety and PTSD was something that I had vaguely heard of, but never had any intention to voluntarily understand. Sure, I empathize with people who go through this sort of mental illness but I never thought much of it. When I met him, it was the first time I had any sort of interactions with someone dealing with depression and PTSD.
Obviously, I was ill-equipped. How do you comfort someone with depression? How do you talk to someone with PTSD? When do you know if their depression is going to act up or is acting up? For that matter, do you even call it "acting up"?
The first time he had an episode, we didn't talk for 2 months. When we got around to talking, he vaguely told me what happened and then we sort of swept everything under the rug and continued as per normal. Having no experience dealing with depression, I didnt know what to ask as well. What questions were considered okay, while others were considered too much? Do I ask sensitive questions and risk a relapse? Everything I wanted to ask or wanted to say, I had to think twice. Many times, they were left unasked, unsaid.
Since then, we have gone through a couple of episodes, which i learnt, some people called it 'Disassociation'. Through it all, I became very understanding. Like all girls, i have my insecurities when it comes to relationships. Often times our female brains are just hard wired to overthink every single piece of information. "If he says this does he actually mean that?" "What does it mean when he does this or says that?"
The old me would have questioned him. The old me would have voiced out all of my insecurities. But through him, i really learnt that, these mindless overthinking are so, so trivial. So of un-importance. When faced with bigger issues like depression and PTSD and suicides, really, a lot of things that you once felt was important, pales in comparison. A lot of childish overthinking sheds away, and from there, you really am able to see your relationship at its most raw state.
When you love someone, you really want what's best for them. Through periods of really tough times, I often think to myself, if he can find someone that is able to be there for him, and loves him, I really do not mind. I give him my fullest blessings. I felt that our biggest obstacle is not the mental illness, but the distance. In my hearts of heart I believe I could be good for him if only I am able to be there for him physically. That was something I felt was my biggest "shortcoming". A lot of times, people dealing with depression don't need you to understand depression, they just need you to be there for them, even if it's to sit quietly beside them. That was something I couldn't do so if anyone was able to do it, I gladly give them my blessing. Because I want the best for him. Because when you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if its not with you.
It's funny, when I was younger, I often asked my friends who were happily in love how they knew their partners were "The One". Some gave really realistic answers, most say they did not know either.
Now through him, I found my own answer.
Love is when you know the future with them would be uncertain and scary as fuck, but you do it anyway because as long as you are doing it together, then everything would be okay.
With him, I am okay to leave behind everything I know just to be with him. People move countries all the time right?If they can do it, so could I. The idea of leaving my life behind, starting anew in another country, and working in a new environment scares the shit out of me but if that's the only way we could be together then I accepted that it was what I was going to have to do. And I'm okay with it. Scared, but I'm okay.
Through him, I understood more about mental illness. And that a lot of times, we cannot use our perception to try and rationalize with them because truly, it is like nothing we have ever known. From him, I gained a lot of empathy towards people with mental illness. And a true respect for people and their love ones dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD.
Anyways, back to my revelation, I guess the lesson that I needed to learn was to be mature, to be understanding, to be patient, and to see the bigger picture. And this lesson was something that needed two years to learn. I believe I wouldn't have understood it if it had only happened briefly. It was something that needed time to solidify into my being.
Though now that I have understood the lesson, does that mean the lesson is over?
Friday, February 3, 2017
Lost Friendships
Why do friendships fall apart?
Remember how you used to be so close with that one friend back in school? How
you guys have to be together from morning assembly, to recess, to staying back
after school just to be able to hang around together. Remember that
subconscious, explicit need to find your way to each other no matter what you
were doing, at any part of the day?
And then what happened? Why did the
relationship fade? How did an inseparable connection became nothing more than
just a side-way glance when you walk past each other on the streets?
Friends come and go all the time. The
best reason I can give is that certain friends just belong to certain stages of
your life. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason; most have a valuable lesson
to teach. And when the lesson is taught, the bell rings, and the teacher is
gone.
Every once in a while memories hit us
and we would reminisce, vaguely pondering how life is treating them. To my
friends life let drift away from me, please know that although we are no longer
friends, just mere acquaintances from a distant past, you are in my thoughts
and I wish you all the best life can offer.
Maybe one day when a lesson needs to
be taught again, perhaps the very same lesson that life assigned you to teach
me so many years ago, I hope that fate let us cross path and you can resume
your lesson.
Bell rings, start of a new class.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Happy Lunar New Year! 😄😄
Chinese new year is a big thing for chinese! A celebration which includes loads of good food, CNY goodies and, of course, ANG PAO! (money in red packets!)
Thankfully I have a small extended family so I needn't rush all over Singapore for house visiting. Phew. But that also mean less ang paos.
Without further ado, let the pictures do the talking!
Chinese new year is a big thing for chinese! A celebration which includes loads of good food, CNY goodies and, of course, ANG PAO! (money in red packets!)
Thankfully I have a small extended family so I needn't rush all over Singapore for house visiting. Phew. But that also mean less ang paos.
Without further ado, let the pictures do the talking!
Chinese New Year Eve Reunion Dinner!
Chinese New Year Day 1!
Visting my auntie's house but we all know the main attraction was their dog, KIKI! AWWW
Okay and the star of my house is, duh, moi!
HAPPY CNY ERRBODY!!!!! HUAT AH!!
Monday, January 9, 2017
Woes of the lost
I'm stuck. In a dilemma. Pressured to make a decision before I'm ready.
I sometimes dread going out with my friends because i know what they are going to ask.
"How are you?"
"What's going on?"
"Have you spoken to him?"
I don't really wanna talk about it. Out of embarassement or what, i have no idea. Maybe because these are the questions i ask myself everyday. Maybe that's why I don't need the extra pressure on top of everything I'm giving myself. Maybe because I don't have a bloody answer to those questions so asking me just reinforces the fact that i am silly for even starting this in the first place.
I think when faced with these questions, it is forcing me to make a decision before I'm ready and I know that that's not right. I think, a lot of times, people just want a yes no answer, but nothing is that easy. Is life ever easy? No. So its okay to ponder a moment longer, to stay in a state of limbo for awhile. You should only venture out and make a decision when you are 100% comfortable. My friend asked me how long do I give myself to forget him and while its good to have a timeline, don't feel restricted by it either. Don't be compelled to put your foot down. You are entitled to feel lost and confused and have no sense of direction whatsoever. Just make it a point to be conscious about which state you are in. Never delude yourself into thinking you are okay when you are not. And don't wallow just because it got comfortable.
You can take as much time as you want. A month or a year. It's yours to waste, so if you deemed it worthwhile, waste it away. Don't be force to make a decision because you can't make up your mind.
I can't make up my mind whether to wait for him, or to forget him, to be angry, or to be resentful, to be at peace with what life threw my way, or be disappointed that it didnt turn out the way I want it to. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and everything and everyone has a lesson to teach you. Right now, i am struggling to see what the lessons were. What lesson was so significant that i had to take almost 2 years to learn them? It frightens me that i have yet to figure any clue whatsoever about what i was suppose to learn.
So I decided that i am going to take my time. To explore my feelings. To make sure I'm not hasten into making a decision just because society dictates. It's funny how you can be heartbroken by an almost relationship. Sometimes I don't even know how to explain to people my relationship status. Was i even in a relationship? Do you even call that a relationship, if anything? Who the actual fuck gets heartbroken about a guy online that she's never met?
But although I am hesitaten to tell people about this almost relationship, somewhat embarrassed that I, of all people, could have gotten into an online long-distance relationship, what I had and what I felt was real. As virtual as it was, to me, it was real. Sometimes, you don't have to see love in real life to know what it is. Love should be felt. It doesn't matter if the other party didn't neccessarily feel the same way. The main point was that you felt it. Not everyone can love. So if you did, then I think the end result is already secondary.
I sometimes dread going out with my friends because i know what they are going to ask.
"How are you?"
"What's going on?"
"Have you spoken to him?"
I don't really wanna talk about it. Out of embarassement or what, i have no idea. Maybe because these are the questions i ask myself everyday. Maybe that's why I don't need the extra pressure on top of everything I'm giving myself. Maybe because I don't have a bloody answer to those questions so asking me just reinforces the fact that i am silly for even starting this in the first place.
I think when faced with these questions, it is forcing me to make a decision before I'm ready and I know that that's not right. I think, a lot of times, people just want a yes no answer, but nothing is that easy. Is life ever easy? No. So its okay to ponder a moment longer, to stay in a state of limbo for awhile. You should only venture out and make a decision when you are 100% comfortable. My friend asked me how long do I give myself to forget him and while its good to have a timeline, don't feel restricted by it either. Don't be compelled to put your foot down. You are entitled to feel lost and confused and have no sense of direction whatsoever. Just make it a point to be conscious about which state you are in. Never delude yourself into thinking you are okay when you are not. And don't wallow just because it got comfortable.
You can take as much time as you want. A month or a year. It's yours to waste, so if you deemed it worthwhile, waste it away. Don't be force to make a decision because you can't make up your mind.
I can't make up my mind whether to wait for him, or to forget him, to be angry, or to be resentful, to be at peace with what life threw my way, or be disappointed that it didnt turn out the way I want it to. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and everything and everyone has a lesson to teach you. Right now, i am struggling to see what the lessons were. What lesson was so significant that i had to take almost 2 years to learn them? It frightens me that i have yet to figure any clue whatsoever about what i was suppose to learn.
So I decided that i am going to take my time. To explore my feelings. To make sure I'm not hasten into making a decision just because society dictates. It's funny how you can be heartbroken by an almost relationship. Sometimes I don't even know how to explain to people my relationship status. Was i even in a relationship? Do you even call that a relationship, if anything? Who the actual fuck gets heartbroken about a guy online that she's never met?
But although I am hesitaten to tell people about this almost relationship, somewhat embarrassed that I, of all people, could have gotten into an online long-distance relationship, what I had and what I felt was real. As virtual as it was, to me, it was real. Sometimes, you don't have to see love in real life to know what it is. Love should be felt. It doesn't matter if the other party didn't neccessarily feel the same way. The main point was that you felt it. Not everyone can love. So if you did, then I think the end result is already secondary.
Monday, January 2, 2017
Write your story, the way it's meant to be
What do you call that stage where you are in between trying to hold on and wanting to give up?
When you want to follow your heart but the realist in you says otherwise?
When love just wasn't enough. When life happens. When the timing wasn't right.
Girl, if you have been through this, or is going through it right now, holla at your girl cause she is in need of some girl to girl, heart to heart talk session.
I hope in this new year, we can all be a little braver, a little more sure of the things we want. If you want to follow your heart, then do it! If you think it's time to move on, move. Life is short, do whatever the fuck you want to do. If it's rightfully yours, nothing will stop it from coming back.
I hope at the end of the day, you will love yourself above all else. Cut off the negatives, cut off the naysayers! It's your story, not theirs. They ain't the scriptwriters of your life. They ain't the directors of your movie.
Write your story the way you want to, the way it's meant to be.
When you want to follow your heart but the realist in you says otherwise?
When love just wasn't enough. When life happens. When the timing wasn't right.
Girl, if you have been through this, or is going through it right now, holla at your girl cause she is in need of some girl to girl, heart to heart talk session.
I hope in this new year, we can all be a little braver, a little more sure of the things we want. If you want to follow your heart, then do it! If you think it's time to move on, move. Life is short, do whatever the fuck you want to do. If it's rightfully yours, nothing will stop it from coming back.
I hope at the end of the day, you will love yourself above all else. Cut off the negatives, cut off the naysayers! It's your story, not theirs. They ain't the scriptwriters of your life. They ain't the directors of your movie.
Write your story the way you want to, the way it's meant to be.
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