The lesson is learnt

I am a firm believer that everything and everyone you meet in life has a lesson to teach you. Therefore, with regards to him, I always wondered what the purpose of meeting him was? What were the lessons I was suppose to learn? For the past two years, I have been constantly asking myself this questions. But I could never seem to get an answer. No inkling, no hint of what 'Oh-great-lesson' that needed two years of my life to learn.

Yesterday, I finally had a revelation.

Maybe this two-year experience was meant to mature me.

Depression, anxiety and PTSD was something that I had vaguely heard of, but never had any intention to voluntarily understand. Sure, I empathize with people who go through this sort of mental illness but I never thought much of it. When I met him, it was the first time I had any sort of interactions with someone dealing with depression and PTSD.

Obviously, I was ill-equipped. How do you comfort someone with depression? How do you talk to someone with PTSD? When do you know if their depression is going to act up or is acting up? For that matter, do you even call it "acting up"?

The first time he had an episode, we didn't talk for 2 months. When we got around to talking, he vaguely told me what happened and then we sort of swept everything under the rug and continued as per normal. Having no experience dealing with depression, I didnt know what to ask as well. What questions were considered okay, while others were considered too much? Do I ask sensitive questions and risk a relapse? Everything I wanted to ask or wanted to say, I had to think twice. Many times, they were left unasked, unsaid.

Since then, we have gone through a couple of episodes, which i learnt, some people called it 'Disassociation'. Through it all, I became very understanding. Like all girls, i have my insecurities when it comes to relationships. Often times our female brains are just hard wired to overthink every single piece of information. "If he says this does he actually mean that?" "What does it mean when he does this or says that?"

The old me would have questioned him. The old me would have voiced out all of my insecurities. But through him, i really learnt that, these mindless overthinking are so, so trivial. So of un-importance. When faced with bigger issues like depression and PTSD and suicides, really, a lot of things that you once felt was important, pales in comparison. A lot of childish overthinking sheds away, and from there, you really am able to see your relationship at its most raw state.

When you love someone, you really want what's best for them. Through periods of really tough times, I often think to myself, if he can find someone that is able to be there for him, and loves him, I really do not mind. I give him my fullest blessings. I felt that our biggest obstacle is not the mental illness, but the distance. In my hearts of heart I believe I could be good for him if only I am able to be there for him physically. That was something I felt was my biggest "shortcoming". A lot of times, people dealing with depression don't need you to understand depression, they just need you to be there for them, even if it's to sit quietly beside them. That was something I couldn't do so if anyone was able to do it, I gladly give them my blessing. Because I want the best for him. Because when you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if its not with you.

It's funny, when I was younger, I often asked my friends who were happily in love how they knew their partners were "The One". Some gave really realistic answers, most say they did not know either.

Now through him, I found my own answer.

Love is when you know the future with them would be uncertain and scary as fuck, but you do it anyway because as long as you are doing it together, then everything would be okay.

With him, I am okay to leave behind everything I know just to be with him. People move countries all the time right?If they can do it, so could I. The idea of leaving my life behind, starting anew in another country, and working in a new environment scares the shit out of me but if that's the only way we could be together then I accepted that it was what I was going to have to do. And I'm okay with it. Scared, but I'm okay.

Through him, I understood more about mental illness. And that a lot of times, we cannot use our perception to try and rationalize with them because truly, it is like nothing we have ever known. From him, I gained a lot of empathy towards people with mental illness. And a true respect for people and their love ones dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD.

Anyways, back to my revelation, I guess the lesson that I needed to learn was to be mature, to be understanding, to be patient, and to see the bigger picture. And this lesson was something that needed two years to learn. I believe I wouldn't have understood it if it had only happened briefly. It was something that needed time to solidify into my being.



Though now that I have understood the lesson, does that mean the lesson is over?